By now, it seems like everyone in the country has watched Disney’s new live action Mulan 🙂

I was originally quite excited to watch the movie! The Mulan story is dear to my heart because it is probably the only Chinese folk tale that has a woman succeeding in a man’s world, sacrificing herself to save her father from certain death by taking his place in war. And in the end, she was true to herself and just wanted to go home when her duty was done.

I am easy to please when it comes to movies – as long as it is not unbearably idiotic, I can go with the flow. I can forgive a lot. In the 1998 animated Mulan, the tiny dragon Mushu was slightly offensive, but also funny, so okay, he’s acceptable. The 1998 Mulan glossed over a lot of things, but they were forgivable because it’s a cartoon, and the spirit of the story was kept intact.

But then comes this new Disney Mulan, and Oh, boy! From the start of the movie until almost the end, it kept putting me in states of stupefied disbelief and incredulous laughter. I was not actively looking for things to criticize while watching the movie, but they just keep showing up with no effort on my part! ?

Yes, it was that baaaaaad….

I have been bottling this up for a few days, trying to be nice, giving myself a few days to tone down my acerbic response… and this is how toned down I was able to get.

Let’s start at the very beginning, a very good place to start… ?

Ooooh, grass. Looks nice! This movie looks like it’s off to a good start…

1. They used the wrong house

When they showed Mulan’s family’s house, I immediately recognized it as a Hakka-style house. Those houses are found in Southern China, NOT northern China where Mulan supposedly lived, and were only built a few hundred years ago (1600s onwards).

But Mulan was supposed to live between 300-600 AD, and I believe that’s the time period this movie was set, too. So having her live in a Hakka house is like having King Arthur live in Shakespeare’s house. It’s just grossly inaccurate.

But you know what? I could easily let that go if the rest of the movie was decent.

2. Young Mulan jumping around rooftops using Chi

First off, what was that?! Oh no no no. You did not just give Mulan superpowers, did you? Not to mention, the CGI was terrible!

Also, that’s not how Chi works…

3. They made Mulan Chinese Elsa

Did her mother just Elsa her? Yep. She straight up told Mulan to hide her powers or else other people will think she was a witch.

Are you telling us that Mulan is a witch??? The disrespect to a beloved folk hero!

Uh.. first of all, witches are not a thing in Chinese folklore. Shamans, Taoist masters, deities, evil spirits, ghosts and hopping vampires, sure… but witches, not really.

Secondly, folklore Mulan did what she did through her own merits, without the aid of magic powers, thank you very much. What an insult.

At this point, I was starting to hate this movie…

4. The people were caricatures

You know what, I have bigger issues with this movie than this one…

5. I’ve seen Xena episodes with better production

Why was the production on this movie so bad? Instead of watching a $200 million Disney movie, I felt like I was watching an episode of Xena.

They were filming before quarantine was a thing. Don’t tell me they couldn’t get more extras? It was obvious that there were too few soldiers in many of the scenes.

They couldn’t CGI-in a few more soldiers?

6. No decision-making scene

So we just see Mulan already wearing her father’s armor and leaving. That’s it. No agonizing over her big decision, no wrestling with fear, no worrying about the consequences…

This makes her going off to war have no impact.

Also, since she already has such strong Chi, what risk really was there for her by taking her father’s place in the fighting?

7. Mulan won the bucket challenge because she used The Force

How is that fair to all the other soldier trainees? That’s like winning the Olympics because you used performance-enhancing drugs — only in Mulan’s case, she was born with the extra ability. Wasn’t she, in effect, also cheating?

What kind of message is that to give to kids?

8. Witch Lady tells Mulan to “live her truth” and that’s all it takes

Very bad metamorphosis scene, hahaha — no emotion. I expected her to at least reach some emotional low point before deciding to pick herself back up. I mean, there are consequences to think about (she will be executed if she reveals herself). There was just no emotional impact in this scene.

Who was that narrator? He just came out of nowhere.

9. Mulan rides into battle REMOVING HER ARMOR

This had me facepalming ?

After deciding to “live her truth,” Mulan TAKES OFF HER ARMOR for dramatic effect and rides into battle. Girrrrrlllll, just because you decided to live your truth, doesn’t make you invincible.

This was the most moronic thing in this movie!

This was her Elsa Let It Go moment, without the singing, when she finally accepts her power and lets go.

I get that it was symbolic, taking off the things that kept her down. But Lord help us, this was stupid screenwriting.

How dumbed down do you have to make this movie?

10. The avalanche battle

Wait, isn’t that a Roman phalanx formation? In 600 AD China?! ?

LOL. Mulan teleports now? How did she get from here to there in the blink of an eye? ?

Didn’t girl just avalanche her own people as well? ?

11. Bad Dialogue

Commander proclaims “We won the battle!” Such stilted dialogue, lol.

Actually, it was the bad guys who shot themselves in the proverbial foot… It wasn’t really any of your doing, you didn’t really earn the victory…

12. Somebody call Darth Vader! Witch Lady just stole his line

Witch Lady tells Mulan: “Join Me. Together, we can rule the universe.” Or something like that.

Omfg. I was too shocked to fall off the sofa, hahahaha ?

I was half-expecting her to continue with “I am your mother” ???

Not only do we have Mulan channeling The Force, we even have a Darth Vader moment! Good Lord.

13. Then Witch Lady reveals their secret plan to Mulan

Oh, my goodness… you just turned the most interesting character in this whole movie into a plot device.

After Witch Lady tells Mulan the Rouran’s secret plan, Mulan tells Witch Lady that she will stop them no matter what.

And then Witch Lady lets Mulan go…. wait, what? Yes, she did.

This is worse than villains telling captured heroes all about their evil plan. At least in those situations, the heroes find a way to escape. But here, Witch Lady just lets Mulan go so that the rest of the movie can happen ?

14. Mulan’s Chi is going to make her like Witch Lady eventually

During this same scene, Witch Lady tells Mulan that she is just at the beginning of her powers, and that she will be as powerful as Witch Lady once her powers fully develop.

Wait, what?! Mulan is on her way to becoming a witch superhero?!

How many more insults can you pile on to this beloved folk story?

15. Why are there so few soldiers in the imperial capital?

I’ve seen K-dramas with better imperial palace scenes, seriously… This was a $200 M movie?

They gave the excuse that they sent all the soldiers away somewhere… but even so, you should still have a decent standing defense force, right?

16. Emperor Jet Li walks into the most obvious trap ever

It’s like, I’m so sorry the directors made your character dumb, Jet Li.

17. Witch Lady takes an arrow for Mulan when she didn’t have to

C’mon. You keep saying that you can kill Bori Khan before he can even blink. So why didn’t you?

You can also Chi the arrow away or misdirect it. Or just shout for Mulan to stop. I mean, there are so many less dumb ways to save Mulan than killing yourself.

You really did not have to take the arrow.

What kind of message is this for girls? This is NOT women empowerment!

Girls, do not be so quick to take an arrow for someone! Use your brains. There are other ways.

18. The Wings — After Elsa and Star Wars, she’s now channeling Jean Grey, too?

19. Mulan’s sword fell into Mount Doom

Why is there a foundry in the middle of the palace under construction? I dunno… ? But this sets things up so that they can give her a new sword at the end.

20. I am so sick of her fly kicking projectiles

That’s literally all she does.

It boggles the mind how anyone can claim that this is an empowering movie.

The most egregious offense, for me, was giving Mulan chi powers. You took a story about a regular girl overcoming obstacles through perseverance, courage, wit, loyalty, honor, etc… and turned her into a “special” chosen one who overcame her obstacles because she was born with some magical power.

So a girl has to be born with powers in order to make it? Is that your message?

If you weren’t born special, then tough?! Poor you has no chance?

How is that empowering?

Just because it’s Disney, doesn’t mean we should accept something this imbecilic.

I blame the director and the screenwriters. The actors were fine, although the Mulan actress could have been better at showing emotions. The actors did their best with what they had to  work with. Always love Donnie Yen and Jet Li. They brought much-needed gravitas to this hollow movie.

I am not pushing for a boycott of Mulan 2020 because of the lead actress’s opinions. She’s entitled to her opinions and it wasn’t a factor in my dislike of this movie. This movie was just terrible on its own.

For a movie where they took pains to distance themselves from the animated classic (no musical numbers) because they wanted it to be “realistic,” so many things in the movie defied sense and logic.

Also how, in a movie called Mulan, can the new plot device character Witch Lady be the most compelling and interesting character? Except I wouldn’t have her take the arrow for Mulan. Instead, I’d have her kill Bori Khan and take his place if she feels like it. Now that’s female empowerment. I mean, that dude just called her a dog. And I’d give her a better back story and motive. Why was a powerful woman like her working for that abusive boss? Gong Li was very good as the Witch.

The only thing they got right in this movie was Mulan’s father telling her that he wouldn’t change a thing about her.

That’s it.